(STATIC, RADIO CHANNELS SKIPPING)
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: This country is at war with Germany.
NEWSCASTER 1: President Kennedy and Governor John Connally
were shot today...
NELSON MANDELA: South Africa without apartheid will be a better home for all.
- RONALD REAGAN: Tear down this wall. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MARGARET THATCHER: The lady's not for turning.
ALAN PARTRIDGE: Which is why motorised wheelchairs
should require a driving licence.
I'm Alan Partridge and this is Mid Morning Matters.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
You're listening to AP with MMM on NND.
That's Alan Partridge, Mid Morning Matters on North Norfolk Digital.
Please keep the messages coming in for King and Car.
Uh, I especially want to hear from you if you're on Twitter.
Please message me @AlanGordonPartridge.
Um, Alan, just thinking, Twitter is the ideal medium for you, isn't it?
How so?
Well, your name's Partridge and a partridge is a bird
and birds twitter.
Ah-ah-ah. You are... No way, you're bang wrong.
Not a partridge.
A partridge makes a combination of a trill and a pained cry.
Sort of a... I used to be able to do this.
(WARBLING)
(COUGHS)
All right. I could do this the other day.
I...
It...
(CAWING)
It's got a sort of sad quality.
- There's a certain sort of, um... - Haunting.
Yeah. (CAWING)
- But higher and quicker. - Mmm.
Yep, and why... Sorry, why are you called @AlanGordonPartridge?
Why not just simply @AlanPartridge?
That name, AlanPartridge, that name was taken.
Oh, was it? That's annoying, isn't it?
Oh, not really.
It was probably... It was probably set up by one of your FOPs.
- (SIGHS) What's a FOP? - Fan of Partridge.
Oh, that's quite good. I might use that, FOP.
Well, for heaven's sake don't use Alan's Internet Disciples.
AIDS.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
(LAUGHING)
If the parent company here found out you had AIDS, you'd be
out on your ear, and rightly so.
So your middle name is Gordon, that's hilarious.
- (LAUGHS) - Uh, do you mind?
Gordon's actually a rather good middle name.
AGP. Sounds like a motor oil.
Imagine it on the side of a Formula 1 car.
- (LAUGHS) Very manly. - It is manly, yes, it is.
Uh, yes. It's actually terrible for Sue Cook. Her middle name's Ingrid.
- Oh, SIC. - Yeah, "sick", yeah.
Well, at least her middle name isn't Ursula.
- "Suck"! Yeah, that would be... - Worse.
Yes, it could be worse, it could always be worse.
Or Ama... Or Amanda.
- SAC! Yes! - Yeah, precisely.
What's rude about a sac?
Well, it's a nickname, isn't it, for ballbag.
This is Enya with her Orinoco Flow.
- Good. - Yeah, very good, yeah.
You're listening to Alan Partridge.
A quick look at the results of our online poll.
In fourth, it's Maris.
In third is Pied of Hamelin.
Uh, second, it's Billie.
But your favourite Piper, it seems, is bag.
I'm surprised. I thought it would be a slam dunk
for Billie in the Piper poll.
Let's have a look at this, uh, article in this morning's paper.
It's from Dr Marion Prouton.
Now, she urges men to talk more about bowel cancer.
"Bowels shouldn't be taboo," she says.
"Men shouldn't be embarrassed to discuss the dangers."
I quite agree.
I'm very open about it.
I'm very candid, very happy to say that I try to maintain a healthy anus.
And I'm largely successful.
There's the odd mishap, but, uh, law of averages,
you're not going to get it right every time.
Now it's time to step back into the past
and ask, "if historical monarchs
"could drive a modern car, which one would they choose?"
Gerald in Bury St Edmunds, hello.
Hello, Alan.
What've you got for us?
Alfred the Great and a Mitsubishi Shogun.
Bullseye.
Mary on Line Two, what's your king and car?
Well, he's not strictly a king,
um, but I was thinking Oliver Cromwell would drive a Lexus.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh. Well, maybe a VWPhaeton, then.
- Oliver Cromwell? - Yeah.
I'm not sure you've got the hang of this, Mary.
- Oh, sorry, Alan. - That's all right.
Why don't you hang up, have a little think and call back later?
Um, yes.
Uh, it would mean I'll have to pay for another call.
That's fine.
I've got to say it makes me laugh when I hear people say "VW".
It's actually quicker to say "Volkswagen".
I mean, if I had a pound for every time I heard someone use an acronym
that actually extended the syllable count,
- I'd be a millionaire... - Billionaire...
Yeah, no, millionaire.
We've got John on Line Two. Hello, John.
- Hello, Alan. - Where are you calling from?
Uh, home.
Okay, what have you got for us?
Um, well, I'd like to stick with Cromwell, please.
I think he would drive a Golf 1.6 Turbo Diesel.
- Better, much better. - Yeah.
Being a puritan, he'd appreciate the economy but also the build quality
and would go for the standard interior because he wasn't at all flashy.
I'm liking this, John. I'm liking this a lot.
I think this is the best,
uh, call I've ever had.
- Um... - Thank you very much.
Uh, let's keep going. Optional extras?
Uh, Cromwell was certainly no fool.
He'd have parking sensors, front and rear.
Of course he would, of course he would.
Um, you should call more often. Where are you based?
I live in Surlingham.
Do you ever go in the Woods End Pub?
Yeah.
So do I.
There's a great folk group there. Sing on a Sunday night.
Right, I hate folk music.
Oh, well, I'd agree with you
but these are very funny. They're called Will o' the Wisp.
- Oh, yeah? - And they have humourous lyrics.
They sing about the regulars. We should go for a drink there sometime.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, maybe, yeah.
Sundays, Sundays are always good for me.
- John? - Yeah?
By the way, what did you have for Henry VIII?
Oh, Range Rover Vogue, 4.6 petrol.
Sage green with a saddle tan interior.
Uh, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.
(SIGHS) I...
Of course he would, and then the coolbox in the centre of the compartment.
- He'd have his chicken drumsticks... - And a six-pack of mead.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah, a six-pack of mead.
Some mints in the glove box, you know, his gauntlets.
And he's going to need all that room for Anne Boleyn,
Cardinal Wolsey and probably a court jester.
Oh, I don't think he'd have Anne Boleyn
and Cardinal Wolsey in there, to be honest.
They despised each other.
- Yeah, did they? - More likely he'd have...
Yes! He'd have Cromwell in the back whispering in his ear, probably.
Oliver Cromwell? He wasn't... He wasn't born for another 50 years, eejit.
JOHN: Uh, I think he meant Thomas Cromwell.
There's more than one Cromwell, Alan.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I know. I know there's more one. Dozens of Cromwells.
Look in the phone book.
I've got a friend called Cromwell.
Actually, he's called Cresswell.
Meant to call him back. Um...
- Uh, thanks, John. Good call. - Can I just say hello to...
# North Norfolk Digital #
Um, yeah, it was good. That was...
It's good, I like it when you chip in.
- Oh, cheers. - Yeah, but...
And probably best...
when, next time you do it, just jot it down on a piece of paper.
- And just slide it under my nose. - Really?
So I can decide whether to give it the green light, uh...
For you to say it. I might say it myself.
- Uh, you know. - Okay.
And, yeah, 'cause that Cromwell bit didn't really work then.
No.
(FURNITURE ADVERT PLAYING)
Sorry, Alan. I thought...
No, no, no, just looking at some texts.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Yeah, you should probably...
You should probably go on holiday with that guy and just talk about...
Different historical novels or something like that.
(LAUGHS) Absolutely.
If you've just joined us,
I'm here with Sidekick Simon with a bit of banter.
There we go.
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon #
Yesterday's quickfire phone-in only yielded three calls.
My mistake, I think panel-beating was too narrow a topic.
Uh, so, today we're going to open it out with the question,
what is the best thing?
What's the best thing of all?
So far we've got Sky+,
a cup of Brazil nuts, that was amusing,
livestock, valid,
and Wet Wipes.
That was a fascinating, uh, call from an elderly lady in Hebden.
Let's have some more. Line Two.
WOMAN: The first smile of a newborn.
Ah, who could not like that?
Who could not like that, though?
Uh, Herod?
Yes, Herod.
That's right. Because he was a baby killer.
He enjoyed... Yes, he killed lots of babies.
He did. We don't like him.
Um, Line Six, uh, Stuart.
It's sliced bread.
What about sliced bread?
Sliced bread, it's the best thing, isn't it? That's what people say.
They say, "It's the best thing, sliced bread is. "
Yeah, well, that's a... That's a phrase.
But it's not actually the best thing, is it?
Can I have a T-shirt?
No! No, of course you can't.
That's, that's... That's not... That's just a turn of phrase.
Yeah, but it's the best thing, isn't it? Because that's what people say.
It's not...
They say, "The best thing is sliced bread. "
I know they say that. I'm familiar with the phrase.
But it's just a turn... It's not literally true.
Then why do people say it? Of course it's true.
- Because it... It's not... - Sliced bread is the best thing.
- The best thing is sliced bread. - It's... Stop...
If you keep saying it, Stuart, it's not going to make it any more true.
- We all know the phrase, mate. - We all know the phrase.
It's just an idiom.
You're an idiot.
No, an idiom, not an idiot.
- You're an idiot. - You're... No...
No, you're an idiot for not knowing what "idiom" is.
It's clearly confused you
because you think I just substituted the T with, with an M.
You smupid gim. (LAUGHS)
Or you momal mwam.
Oh, what have you got? What is that?
Yeah, you're a compleme cunm.
- Hmm. - Well, I think you're a prick.
Right, get rid of him.
Sorry about that.
Uh, I should have, I should have, uh, knocked him off more quickly.
I wasn't quick enough.
- And a dick. - Shit. Right.
(SIGHS) Right. Well, he's gone now
but I'll continue to speak my mind about him.
Stuart, I've got to say, I think the Clifton Suspension Bridge
was built for people like you.
The fact that you can drive cars across it is a bonus.
So do the decent thing
and leave the keys in your car so someone can shift it afterwards.
And please don't, don't call in saying
I'm encouraging people to kill themselves.
Again.
Yeah, I'm suggesting that one person
throw himself off Clifton Suspension Bridge
because he is and hopefully soon to be was
a very unpleasant individual.
A bit like Jamiroquai.
(SONG PLAYING)
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Today's question,
which is, "How often should you wash your towels?"
Um, Sally from Norwich writes,
"I put my towels on a boil wash once every 10 days
"with a flap of Bounce."
Sally, I do exactly the same thing.
And if I'm going to chuck in a bit of underwear,
I might add a capful of Dettol, maybe two,
depending on, you know, circumstances.
Retired head teacher Teresa Staples says,
"I've cut the frequency of my towel washing by using a simple technique.
"After my bath I take an old beach towel and drape it over my favourite armchair.
"Then I sit back with a box of wine and watch Cash in the Attic
"till I'm bone dry,
"by which time I'm normally sound asleep."
It sounds like bliss, Teresa, really does.
Now, if I was to say to you...
(MOCK ASIAN ACCENT) "I like your noodle,"
you'd say, "I'm sorry, Alan?"
And if I said, "I was simply saying I like your noodles,"
you'd say, "Oh, now I understand,
"but I think you're being a little bit racist."
You'd be absolutely right.
But you'd be ignoring the fact that I just paid a very good compliment
to Asian cuisine.
Each day this week,
I'm going to be trying a different kind of ethnic cuisine
to help promote tolerance and harmony amongst the various creeds and colours
that have drifted into Norfolk over recent years.
Uh, today's the turn of the Japanese.
Years ago, my granddad John
used to sit me on his knee and he'd say, "Alan, I hate the Japanese.
"And I hate Japanese food."
But if Granddad John was alive today
and I was able to feed him some of the sushi rolls
lovingly prepared by my good friend Ando at Miso Tasty,
I think that all the anger that he harboured at having been tortured
within an inch of his life at a Japanese prisoner of war camp
would instantly fade away.
Especially if he tried it with Ando's delightful wasabi sauce.
Uh, so that's on its way shortly.
The time is 59 minutes to 1.
Uh, it's just gone midday.
MAN: The weather, sponsored by Turner's Kitchen Solutions.
Norwich.
One.
Adult.
Afternoon.
Inception.
No.
Inception.
No.
Inception.
No.
Inception.
No.
Inception.
No.
It's north, it's Norfolk, it's digital.
It's North Norfolk Digital.
It's time for Sad Story.
This is where I read a moving real-life story submitted by one of our listeners.
Today's is from Lee Tibbs in Attleborough.
(MELANCHOLY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYS)
"My story begins late last spring.
"It was a fine morning, so I decided to go out for a jog in my shorts.
"I headed to the local park and it was there, to my surprise,
"that I bumped into my old history teacher walking his dog.
"He remarked on how well I looked and I returned the compliment."
Uh...
No. No, I'm not reading this.
(TURNS MUSIC OFF)
(SIGHS)
No, no.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, that's why he was wearing shorts.
I should've seen that.
It's all right. We have all others.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Today's sad story is from Deirdre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt.
(MELANCHOLY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYS)
"Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you.
"So I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous."
Absolutely.
"My story begins in the mid-'80s when I met Gareth.
"The truth is he kind of swept me off my feet.
"He was tall, dashing and had kind eyes like a cow."
Really?
Yeah, I suppose they do. Well...
(CLEARS THROAT)
"Gareth knew I'd just come out of a serious relationship
"and wasn't ready to commit.
"But he called me the day before he went on a group camping trip
"and said someone had dropped out and would I like to join them?"
I'm just going to jump off the sad story because, uh, my sushi has arrived,
being brandished by someone I can only describe as some sort of food Stig.
In the meantime here's The Vapors with I'm Turning Japanese.
(TURNING JAPANESE PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)
That's today's paper there.
So, uh, let's see. You ordered
California rolls,
katsu curry,
and, uh, I listen to Orbital Digital.
I listen to Orbital Digital?
What was that?
I listen to Orbital Digital?
(LAUGHS)
- Nice of you to recommend us. - Oh, Christ.
Alan Partridge, you have been punked by Orbital Digital.
It's Craig Kielty, aka The Monster.
(GROWLING)
Fuck off, we're not even on air, you dick.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yes we are.
(LAUGHS) Double punk.
- You have been owned. - Oh, all right.
- You've been owned. - Fair cop, fair cop.
(LAUGHING) Fair cop.
- You've been owned. - Yeah. Stop saying "you've been owned".
I'm not owned by you.
If I'm owned by anyone, I'm owned by North Norfolk Digital.
I'm certainly not owned by Orbital Digital.
I wouldn't work for them if you paid me.
You've been owned.
Yeah, well, you know, at least I haven't got a brother in prison.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What's that got to do with anything?
Just having a joke, you know.
Not nice when the boot's on the other foot, is it, hmm?
It makes walking difficult, you know. The arch is on the wrong side.
Huh, doesn't work.
You don't know anything about my brother.
He fell in with the wrong crowd.
Well, he's in with the wrong crowd now, isn't he? Literally. He's in prison.
- Owning me, owning you. - That doesn't even make sense.
- A-ha! - Yeah, I do own that.
I do, actually, I, uh...
I flew to Gothenburg to negotiate directly with Björn and Ben's lawyers
for exclusive rights to shout,
but not say, the word "a-ha" 50 times a year in perpetuity
for the rest of my life or till 2015, whichever comes sooner.
Uh, sorry about all that Orbital Digital.
OD. Wish they'd OD on heroin.
Here's Susan Boyle, Amazing Grace.
Now it's time to return to Alan's Sad Stories.
(MELANCHOLY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYS)
"So things were going well between Gareth and I.
"But that was when our relationship took a twist
"that neither of us could have predicted."
Shit! Shit!
"Shit," she writes, because, because...
Gareth...
Died.
But I married his twin brother.
Because he had a twin brother,
uh, who was identical.
He had eyes like a cow, too.
So everything was back to normal again.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um...
Until one day, I discovered
Gareth's brother in a compromising position with a...
Box of Quality Street.
He had eaten three or four in sudden succession
and completely ruined his appetite
for the chicken dinner I'd so lovingly prepared.
I was totally crushed.
It was then I realised that Gareth's brother had a choc problem.
Nothing would get in the way of his addiction.
The lowest point came when I found him collapsed in a sugar-induced coma
in the bogs of Yates's Wine Lodge in Yarmouth.
We cried and cried that night.
I reiterated my love for him, he reciprocated his love for me.
And we shared a chocolatey kiss that will stay with me forever.
But it was then that everything changed.
Again.
Because his weight had ballooned to 20 stone or thereabouts.
When he came towards me to hug me, he fell on me
and shattered my spine in three places.
The police didn't believe him.
And he was carted off to prison for GBH or attempted murder.
I forget which.
I still visit him once a week in prison.
And he tells me, Alan, that he tunes into your show.
And it offers him great solace, great comfort.
Uh, not that the show is aimed at the criminal fraternity in any way.
The cons tend to listen to Orbital Digital,
as many of them have learning difficulties.
I should add the reason I was able to visit him was because
of a pioneering operation
which enabled me to walk again
because they replaced my spine with a new one
made of carbon fibre.
Which is actually the material they use in the engine blocks and chassis
for Formula 1 cars.
It's actually lighter than aluminium.
Yours sincerely, Deirdre.
PS, unfortunately, I can't remember what our favourite song was.
Ah, what a sad story.
(TURNS OFF MUSIC)
Okay, um, now...
Please do keep your calls, texts and faxes
coming in on today's big question,
which is,
"How often should you wash your towels?"
Ted in Wisbech has been in touch. "I don't use towels,
"I use a hair dryer set on cool.
"It takes a bit longer but it feels lovely.
"And I finish off with a little talc on my testes and bum."
Mmm, lovely stuff.